The Trial of Aryuna - Prologue

Prologue

Night had fallen in the back alleys of London city. It was a grim place to be, with walls covered with graffiti, not a square inch was free from the paint. The alleyways were littered in the corners where the wind had pushed everything out the way, from everything from newspapers to old shoes. In a particular alleyway, a single lamp illuminated the grimy walls and it was wired high up on a wall. However in a place where it seemed people rarely went, two men stood outside a door equally as vandalised as the walls. Both looked like highly suspicious people, maybe it was in the way they wore trench coats over neat suits and how they wore opaque sunglasses even though it was dark.

One of the men looked at his watch, it was ten o’clock exactly. He looked up, sunglasses glinting in the light of the streetlamp. A small sigh escaped him; bring the attention of the other man.

“She said she would be coming at ten,” he stated to this companion, sounding doubtful. He was the eldest of the two; it was clear from his metal-grey hair. He was the superior and it was obvious from the way that he held himself that he had a lot of experience. The other, younger and less experienced, nodded.

“You always said that it was wrong to trust these people,” the younger man reminded his superior. The other man smiled faintly and gave a small nod.

“You will see what I mean very soon, Kevin.” he said, in a hushed voice. “They are excellent allies, but terrifying enemies.” The younger man glanced sideways at his superior, and then looked over to the far end of the alleyway. Something had caught his eyes, small movement from the corner of the alley. He blinked just when a woman seemed to step out from the dark wall as if she had always been there. Another came from behind her, following from her wake a tall. He was a dangerous looking man with dark skin. They walked onto the grimy ground, catching the older man’s attention. He looked over at them and a flicker of fear moved in his eyes.

The woman was dressed in very extravagant clothes, as if she wasn’t in the harsh area of the main city. She wore a long black robe which dragged behind her; underneath she wore a crimson dress. Her neck was covered in silver and sparkling gems, thick bracelets encased his wrists. Her hair wore flowing over her shoulders, long and black. The other man with her had almost black skin. His eyes shone out from his face in a menacing way, glinting in the light. He wore a leather coat that covered what looked like body armour. As he approached, the silvery sheen of his long dagger was visible from under his coat.

“Good evening, Quentin.” The woman greeted the older man with an intoxicating voice. Her fruitful tones seemed to ring with a power of their own. Quentin Court, the superior of the two men, stepped forwards and held out a hand to the woman. She smiled and took it. Her face was the most stunning face Kevin Phillips had even seen. It was his first meeting with the woman and he hoped it wasn’t his last. Her skin was flawless, a nutty bronze colour. Her mouth had been painted red and curled in an amused smile. Her eyes, however, were a pale brown colour, almost red. As she took Quentin’s hand, they gleamed red only slightly.

“Miss Harithine, this is my associate Kevin Phillips.” Quentin introduced Kevin to the woman, her face flashed as she looked at her, smiling still. She shook his hand gently, and then gestured to the man who stood with her.

“This is Hellion, my second-in-command,” she said, her red eyes gleaming at the man. He stepped forwards and looked at Kevin and Quentin with a blank expression.

“Greetings, Mr Court, we have had dealings in the past…I remember.” The frightening man said in a deep voice. Quentin nodded, smiling at the man.

“Ah yes, I never forget a face.” he muttered, turning to face the door. Kevin was gazing at Miss Harithine; she was the leader of the Aitharith, one of the biggest terrorist organisations in Britian. Kevin knew full well about them as he, himself, was in such an organisation. They had made deals in the past, mostly about money and weapons. Though this time was different, the Aitharith approached them for information instead.

“I take it that you have what I asked for,” Miss Harithine asked Kevin, who looked put out by being asked a question.

“Yes, I took care of it myself. Now, if you please,” He said as Quentin opened the door. There were a set of stairs that headed down to their secret hideout. Quentin went down first, then Miss Harithine followed. Hellion gestured for Kevin to follow and he went after him. The stair only went down a little way; they were levelling out in no time. The room that they entered was much different than the alleyway above them. It was a perfect rectangle, with many doors inserted in the steel walls. It was made mostly from stainless steel and halogen lights. The smooth metal walls shone in the light, giving a clean but cold atmosphere. It was deserted; everyone who did work there had gone home to their family.

At the far end of the room was a metal table. Upon it was a folder with a wooden case planted on the top. That was what the two Aitharith members had come for. Quentin moved towards it, the others following him in haste. He picked up the box that was on the folder and gave it to Miss Harithine. She took it and pulled off the lid. Inside was a small fragment of highly polished bronze. She picked it up, examining it between her fingers.

“We found that it emits a strange type of radioactivity, we’ve never seen everything like it.” Kevin told them, eyes fixed upon the fragment in Miss Harithine’s fingers. It seemed the radioactivity wasn’t affecting her as it did the others. Kevin picked up the folder and gave it to Hellion. The dark man opened it and leafed through the pages.

“Photographs…these are very good. Did you take them?” Hellion asked him in his deep baritone voice. Kevin was surprised by the compliment.

“Yes, I did in fact.”

“Really…how close did you get to the plates?” Hellion asked making Miss Harithine look up at him instantly. Kevin frowned, it was a strange question.

“Very close, I managed to take that fragment.” He paused, looking carefully at Miss Harithine’s face. “Not like I broke it off, it was on the ground…the metal is too strong to break.” He said, curious to why they wanted to know so much about the dig he visited.

“How many people have touched this fragment?” Miss Harithine asked as she put the bronze fragment away in its box. Quentin cleared his throat to bring attention to him again.

“A dozen, maybe, but they were protected from the radioactive waves. Unlike Kevin…he got the full blast.” Quentin said, as if it wasn’t a problem. Hellion and Miss Harithine fixed Kevin with a stern gaze. He felt the hairs spike up on his neck under their gaze.

“I see…well thank you for the sample.” Miss Harithine said while she gave Hellion a heavy stare. He nodded at her then he pulled out his dagger. Quentin eyed it nervously, stepping back into the table. Kevin was looking at the woman; something about her was chilling his blood. Her eyes were alive with red light…somehow.

“Dispose of him, Hellion.” Miss Harithine said, causally. “He has connected his mind in the ill-manner.” Hellion looked pleased and took an advancing step towards Quentin.

“What are you doing?” Quentin demanded, he pulled a gun from under his coat. Hellion laughed, a monstrous hand gripped the gun and squeezed it. There was a flash of light and the barrel of the gun appeared melted, useless. Quentin stared at it, disbelief in his features. Hellion ripped the gun from his grasp. Hellion then planted his hand upon Quentin’s face. Just as his victim screamed…knowing what was going to happen, his yell ended, strangled in his throat. Kevin looked at his superior, shocked. He was dead.

Hellion removed his hand and then raised his dagger. He stepped towards Kevin, who turned wildly and ran. Only, he ran straight into Miss Harithine. She merely stared at him but he felt an almighty force grab his arms and twist them behind his back. She raised a finger and waggled it mockingly.

“Now, running away from me is near to impossible!” She exclaimed, then laughed cruelly. Her red eyes found Hellion and she smiled sweetly at him. “No need to kill this one yet, Hellion. Take him with you on your briefing…the Aitharith will want to see the filth which this excavation has created.” Hellion’s fist came from nowhere and smacked Kevin in the temple. The blow knocked him out cold. Hellion swooped him up in his arms and gave the folder to his mistress.

“Do you want me to destroy the building, your highness?” Hellion asked, in a low obedient voice. Miss Harithine smiled more widely and put her hand on her hips.

“Oh no, you go on Hellion, my love.” she took a step towards Hellion and ran a finger down his cheek. “I will have the fun of demolishing this wreck.” Hellion nodded, and then bowed his head. He carried Kevin towards the stairs and then disappeared as he walked from view. Miss Harithine turned back to the metal building. She breathed in deeply, bringing in as much energy as she could. She punched out her hands and with it, a huge force exploded from her. The sheer power of the force push ripped the steel walls from the building. Then her spell turned into a raging inferno, eradicating the building at blazing temperatures of five hundred degrees Celsius.

Miss Harithine stood in the centre of the heat, unscathed. The heat helped her think clearly, as it was as fiery as her heart. When she was sure the building was as useless as charcoal, she burst from the flaming carcass of the building amid the blaring sirens of the fire engines. She watched the lights of the city fade as she soared through the air, the world far beneath her feet. It was the way she liked it. She was their superior after all…she was Harithia.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
The Jesseble
Comment

Thanks for the crits :D I'm going straight to my work to fix those messy sentences.

I think I better watch out for passive voice, I definately overuse it. Anyway, thanks for pointing it out!

Cheers,

TJ

User avatar
Writersdomain
Review

Hallo! This was very interesting, interesting story line and I like the names. Now, because this is quite good, I am going to be extremely nitpicky. This does not mean you are a bad writer. On the contrary, it means this was good enough I thought you would not be overwhelmed by nitpickiness. so, here goes.

(comments)
[insert]

Night had fallen in the back alleys of London city. It was a grim place to be, with walls covered with graffiti (the two with's make it repetitius;you could omit the first 'with' and it sound better. :)) , not a square inch was free from the paint. (I don't think this 2nd part is really necessary; if you really want us to visualize this exact thing, you should describe exactly how the every inch is covered. But even the first part gives us a better image.) The alleyways were littered (littered with what? some specifics would paint a clearer picture)in the corners where the wind had pushed everything out [of] the way, from (omit first 'from') everything from newspapers to old shoes. In a particular alleyway, a single lamp illuminated the grimy walls and it was wired high up on a wall. (too much repetition of 'wall') However[,] in a place where it seemed (I don't think you need 'seem' here, You could just say in a place where people rarlely went) people rarely went, two men stood outside a door equally as vandalised as the walls (eh, I don't like the comparison here. It's not giving me a clear image). Both looked like highly suspicious people, (new sentence here)maybe it was in the way they wore trench coats over neat suits and how they wore opaque sunglasses even though it was dark.


I'm being very nitpicky. :wink: But it's for your own good. Firstly, that last sentence is bugging me. Your use of the word 'maybe' doesn't strike me right. Sometimes those kind of words from the narrator can be good, but here there seems to be no speculation as to why the men are suspicious. I'm not sure you really need it. As for your equally comparison - you haven't really given the reader a clear view of the wall yet, so saying it was equally vandalized really holds little meaning here. Try being more specific, more detailed in your descriptions. This does not necessarily mean more, just higher quality description. Despite my crit, this first paragraph did intrigue me. Pretty good opening.

One of the men looked at his watch, (I think this should be semicolon) it was ten o’clock exactly. He looked up, sunglasses glinting in the light of the streetlamp. A small sigh escaped him; bring[ing] (a more powerful word choice than bring?) the attention of the other man.


Good detail about the light glinting on the man's glasses. Neat. Remember; you need more than a comma to separate complete sentences.

“She said she would be coming at ten,” he stated to this companion (I don't think you need the last phrase; the reader infers), sounding doubtful. He was the eldest of the two; it was clear from his metal-grey hair. He was the superior and it was obvious from the way that he held himself that he had a lot of experience. The other, younger and less experienced, nodded.


Okay, the stuff in blue. First, those two sentences have very similar sentence structure; varying them would be nice. Second, the words 'obvious' and 'clear' bug me. If what you are describing is obvious, then why are you describing it? My English teacher got all over my case for using the word 'obvious'. You really don't need to SAY that what you are describing is obvious. I suggest describing the things you mentioned in a different way.

“You will see what I mean very soon, Kevin.” he said, in a hushed voice. “They are excellent allies, but terrifying enemies.” The younger man glanced sideways at his superior, and then looked over to the far end of the alleyway. Something had caught his eyes (do you really need 'had' in there? It makes it sound passive), [a] small movement from the corner of the alley. He blinked just when a woman seemed to step out from the dark wall as if she had always been there. Another came from behind her, following from (in?) her wake a tall (are you missing something?). He was a dangerous looking man with dark skin. They walked onto the grimy ground, catching the older man’s attention. He looked over at them and a flicker of fear moved in his eyes (ooh, good image there).


The blue. You liked the word' seem', don't you? I like the word sometimes, but it makes whatever you say very passive. What do I mean by passive? I mean it makes it sound like the characters are less active and thus disinterests the reader. At the end, I'm going to give you a great tutorial by Sureal on passive voice.

The woman was dressed in very extravagant clothes, as if she wasn’t in the harsh area of the main city. She wore a long black robe which dragged behind her; underneath she wore a crimson dress. Her neck was covered in silver and sparkling gems, thick bracelets encased (should be encasing. Are you sure you want the word encase?) his wrists. Her hair wore (her hair can't wear anything; however, she can wear her hair glowing over her shoulders.) flowing over her shoulders, long and black. The other man with her had almost black skin. His eyes shone out from his face in a menacing way, glinting in the light. He wore a leather coat that covered what looked like body armour. As he approached, the silvery sheen (ooh, good word) of his long dagger was visible from under his coat


Pretty good description. The one overall suggestion I can give is to vary your sentence structure throughout here and not use so many clauses with subjects. For instance 'she wore a long, black robe which dragged behind; underneath she wore a crimson dress' If you were to make this flow a bit better as one sentence, it would be 'she wore a long, black robe which dragged behind, a crimson dress beneath it' or something along those lines.

“Good evening, Quentin.” The woman greeted the older man with an intoxicating voice. Her fruitful tones seemed to ring with a power of their own. Quentin Court, the superior of the two men, stepped forwards and held out a hand to the woman. She smiled and took it. Her face was the most stunning face Kevin Phillips had even seen. It was his first meeting with the woman and he hoped it wasn’t his last. Her skin was flawless, a nutty bronze colour. Her mouth had been painted red and curled in an amused smile. Her eyes, however, were a pale brown colour, almost red. As she took Quentin’s hand, they gleamed red only slightly.


Love it

I have read the rest of the story, but as for critiquing it, I see the same mistakes repeating themselves. If I have more time, I will come back and finish this critique, but I do feel that with what I'm going to point out, you can fix most of the things I noticed anyway. So, some pointers.

:arrow: Run-on sentences. Commas cannot separate two complete sentences. They just don't. You need a semicolon or a period (question mark etc.). Commas can't do the job.

:arrow: Phrasing. Probably the most evident of all things I noticed. Some of your phrasing sounds very off. Most of this comes with time, but I can suggest that you read a lot of what you write aloud and read a lot to see other types of phrasing.

:arrow: Passive voice. See viewtopic.php?t=11631

:arrow: Description. Be more detailed, less vague. This does not mean more. Say exactly what you mean to say, exactly what you are imagining and it will help.

Nicely done and please keep writing. PM me if you need anything. :wink:

User avatar
Dark Lordess
Review

A small sigh escaped him; bring the attention of the other man.


bringing

Her mouth had been painted red and curled in an amused smile. Her eyes, however, were a pale brown colour, almost red. As she took Quentin's hand, they gleamed red only slightly.


Notice the repetition of 'red'. Try replacing it with another word. (Like you did with 'crimson' dress.)

I like your storyline. Keep up the good work!



Life’s disappointments are harder to take if you don’t know any swear words.
— Bill Watterson